Poem: Lies I Tell Myself in the Dark
Updated: Nov 8, 2019
I feel like shit.
I want to hide under a rock and never come out
Close all the blinds
Stay safe deep inside myself
Because down here, it is dark and far away
Dark and far away from all of the noise
The noise telling me that I'm a failure
That: I'm not happy enough
That: I need to hang my head up high
That: all of this will blow over
That: it doesn't really matter
That: everything is great
But how is it "just great" when I just lost my job?
When: I don't know if I'll get my last paycheck?
When: I need to pay bills?
When: I don't know how long it'll be 'till I get another job?
When: I'm switching careers and everyone else is finding the same old job but me?
Why, why, why
Do I have to make things hard?
To take the road less traveled?
And care about finding something that'll actually make me happy?
Why do I think?
Why am I smart?
Why do I get bored and need to challenge myself with something new?
Why do I like to learn?
Why am I so good?
Why does it matter?
Why do I care?
Why should I continue to care?
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
Why did I let myself out of that dark hole?
That safe place
The secret one
I keep locked up inside
Where I can bury my head
And nestle my fears
Laying down my head
Lie. Lie. Lie
It's all a pack of Lies!
Lies they tell you:
It's going to be ok
You'll be just fine
Fake it 'till you make it
Just keep putting yourself out there
Anyone would be lucky to have you
You're so talented you'll get a job right away
It's not your fault
It'll get better
It's not that bad
I can't pay my bills on your lies!
Why should I be happy about that?
TELL ME! I scream.
There is no echo
There I go again,
Letting myself out.
I need to crawl back into safety
I try to close my eyes
Realize they're already shut.
I feel my body curled on its side
My face warm and wet.
I haven't woken up yet.